guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
