this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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