i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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