Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
