I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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