just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
