Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
