I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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