You really coming over, don't trick.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i out mim tonsoeep
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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