I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
