i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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