it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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