I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
