If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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