my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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