Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
