did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
