it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
