I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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