Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
