My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My vagina is very pro this idea
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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