Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
