I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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