my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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