Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
