I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Enjoy the penises
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
