I met the friendliest cop last night
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
