I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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