just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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