Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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