it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
