I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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