She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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