so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
