If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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