Ambien. No doubt about it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
