This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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