Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
