Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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