So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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