my mouth tastes like poor choices
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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