A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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