Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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