Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
