A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
