Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
In America we eat man semen.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
