Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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