I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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