4 words: hood of his car
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
