You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
