The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
